Weekly Horoscopes

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Your birthday is rolling around! I hear your parents are surprising you with a new Toyota. Let me know how that works out.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):
You will feel sad until the third "Twilight" movie comes out. Then you will feel even worse when you spend $10 on it.

Aries (March 21-April 19):
A friend will give you a Justin Bieber CD. This person is not your friend.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):
You will finally gain the courage to add your crush on Facebook. An hour later Facebook will delete your page for the "inappropriate" picture from Saturday night.

Gemini (May 21-June 21):
Lady Gaga will borrow one of your outfits for the Grammy Awards. Maybe it's time to invest in outfits with pants and less barbed wire.

Cancer (June 22-July 22):
You'll be feeling very productive and begin your research paper early. Sitting in the library, a good seven pages in, the power will go out…again.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
You will find the perfect quote to support your thesis. How do you cite a fortune cookie?

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
You won't have enough time to do, finish, and read every assignment, but you will have time to text everybody about those horrible shoes the girl next to you is wearing.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
People will notice your earthy side, when you stop showering as much as usual.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
You will make many new friends in a particular class because you're the only one who bought the book.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You will perfect the art of "fist pumping," but accidentally punch Snookie in the face again.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Things will get much better, right after they get a lot worse.