SATIRE: Fluffy I Choose You!

The collectible card game mega-trends of the late 1990's have taken a horrible toll on the moral attitudes of today's young adults.

The card games in question are specifically limited to the "My animal versus your animal" variety. The rules of these games would require the child to select and then send their warrior-animal pet into battle, in an effort to defeat the chosen beast of a rival child.

Once the conflict has begun, the children could then "evolve" their creatures into more useful offensive weapons and escalate the struggle to a much more complex and destructive level.

The game is resolved when one child's pet stands triumphantly in the glow of hard-fought victory as the other child's furry gladiator lays beaten and bruised in defeat.

This process, while on the surface appears to be a fairly innocent update to the century old "rock, paper, scissors" game, is actually a blueprint for the destruction of moral pet ownership.

As far back as 10 years ago, warning signs of this ghastly trend began to emerge. Elementary school teachers began to report witnessing new and unusual recess activities being practiced by their young students. School yard games such as kickball and freeze tag were being replaced by "worm versus ants" and "squirrel versus other-squirrel."

Swift disciplinary action was administered to any student caught organizing such "games."

These students were often required to attend animal rights seminars and volunteer at their neighborhood ASPCA in an effort to reaffirm their understanding of a human being's proper relationship to the animal kingdom.

While this early detection did manage to stop most of the escalating problems in the schoolyard, it did little to eliminate the tournaments being held by neighborhood promoters after school. It was clear that the larger moral epidemic sweeping the nation would be no easy hurdle to vault.

News stories began to emerge of organized animal combat tournaments being staged by teenagers and young adults, in which animals were augmented with upgrades and armaments not dissimilar to the "evolution" process in the battle-based card games of the past.

These additions began simply with accessories such as armor and helmets, but escalated quickly to include offensive accoutrements. Stories of house pets being checked into veterinary hospitals with unusual injuries became quite common.

Most recently, the now-infamous pooch dubbed "Rocket-Dog" made international headlines when he was launched onto the roof of a five story building, when the fire extinguisher lashed to his back in an effort to boost his speed capabilities was ruptured. The Welsh terrier had been competing against Dr. Kibosh, a domestic ferret trained to wield a dentist's drill.

As disturbing as these accounts are, they pale in comparison to the moral void that the perpetrators of these crimes seem to maintain. Psychologists have seen little success in their attempts to identify a cure for the mental programming that years and years of using animals as slave gladiators has instilled in them.

To stop this chain of events from reoccurring, the burden falls upon the parents of the newest generation of impressionable kids. Greater attention must be paid to the games enjoyed by children if the atrocities of this horrific fad are to be avoided. I shudder to ponder upon the evil fruit which the tree of Silly Bands will surely bear.