Aliens, Get Out!

The subject of illegal aliens is a sensitive one. It is an issue that has many differing viewpoints that can inspire passions in some, and incite fear in others. But to ignore the problem that exists right in front of our faces, or to even deny that such a problem exists in the first place, would be a huge mistake—on all of our parts.

For too long, many decent, hard-working people have been forced to deal with the problems brought by these "aliens," and they are often left helpless against them. Not only have these people had their livelihoods stripped away, but in some cases, the skin off their backs as well.

These aliens come from the stars, sometimes under the guise of friendship, and they look to destroy us from within. They vaporize our cities with their giant, blue death-rays; or in an effort to "better understand us," they snatch up poor, hard-working Midwesterners by the hundreds, continuously probing their bodies.

Sometimes, they come here bent on the conquest of the human race and the destruction of our way of life. Other times, they simply want to annihilate us, usually for no particular reason other than the fact that we exist. And no matter how many times we run them off with their tails between their legs, they just keep showing up—illegally, and without permission.

First off, let me say that I am not a xenophobe. I wasn't raised that way. I like aliens just fine. But what I don't like is when they come here illegally. They crash-land on some remote part of the globe, and when they wake up, they start shooting up and causing trouble. I have absolutely no tolerance for that.

They skulk around up in the trees like some merciless predator, hunting good old American folks, who are just trying to "have them some fun." This is unacceptable. Just because someone is carrying a gun around the jungle, it doesn't mean they should be targeted by some off-worlder who's looking to have a good time on safari. Last I checked we still had the right to bear arms without having to worry about having the back of our skulls blown out by some seven-foot tall alien with dreadlocks. If they want to skin people alive and collect skulls for their trophy collections, they should do it someplace else, because we don't want them here.

While I'm on the subject of their trophy collections... what the hell is up with that?

I don't know what they do where you come from, but here, on planet Earth, we don't participate in that sort of behavior. Alright, well some of us do, but those folks are not what I would consider normal. Sure, it might have been a ritual that was practiced a long time ago by our ancestors, but we've evolved. We're civilized now. You'd think a species that has mastered interstellar travel and created a portable thermonuclear device would be well beyond the barbaric practice of cutting off some poor, defenseless creature's head, and mounting it on the wall of their spaceship as a status symbol.

What gives them the right to come down here, and destroy a perfectly good patch of South American rain forest with one of their aforementioned portable nuclear devices? This is our planet, and they should have respect for it. Running around blowing up things for no reason, and engaging in foolhardy practices that destroy the environment might be acceptable where you come from, but here, we don't do that sort of thing. OK, maybe we do, but we live here—we can do what we want with it.

They come down here from a galaxy far, far, away, with their fancy technologies, and they think they can push us around and tell us what to do. If these aliens know what's good for them, they'll pack up their light-refracting stealth suits and their laser-guided rockets, and get back on their spaceships, and get the hell outta Dodge. If not, we may just have to take our case to the Governor of California. He might have something to say about that.