Transgressions on Mass Transit

Travelling alone can be an experience of self-discovery, that is, unless you plan on hitting the "open road" using the bus as transportation. Many find that the effort to "find" themselves is strongly diminished when they're forced to sit next to someone that they completely can't stand for a long period of time.

When the person sitting next to you is loudly listening to Paula Abdul on replay, you can lose any desire to write that insightful song or finish that thoughtful haiku. However, there are methods of dealing with that annoying person breathing in your ear for five hours.

Judge a book by its cover: When you're walking onto the bus, use the "three-second rule" to size up each individual sitting on the bus. If you experience an awkward feeling after looking at someone for three seconds, do not sit next to him or her. Those three seconds of awkwardness can transfer over into multiple hours of repressing rage and silently contemplating murder scenarios for your new bus-buddy. Window seat, please:

After you've found someone who has passed the "three-second rule," kindly ask if you can acquire the window seat. Ignore the series of grunts and eye-rolling that the person will inflict upon you. Remember, you're the deep-thinker that needs scenery to help reflect on life's obstacles… not the person sitting next to you.

The "knee-touch": Another advantage of claiming the window-seat is the ability to keep your legs against the side of the bus. By doing so, you can avoid touching the knee of the person sitting next to you. Though it may seem like a trivial tip, "knee-touching" can often lead to the person giving you the "not-without-buying-me-dinner-first" glare.

"Hang on, I have to take this": Halfway through the ride, you may receive a phone call from a vulgar friend who needs to tell you about last night's many escapades. Instead of softly whispering "I'm on the bus right now," immerse yourself in a 20-minute discussion about the "uncontrollable disease" you've contracted and give subtle hints that you're actually insulting the person sitting next to you. Not only will this prevent the stranger from making small talk, but he or she may also ignore your existence all together.

Sleepin' on the job: If the person manages to fall asleep on you, take immediate action. Defend your personal "bubble" by "accidentally" elbowing the person in the stomach. Doing so will prevent the person's drool from collecting on your shoulder and it may relieve some of the repressed rage you've been encountering since the first hour of the ride.

"Excuse me, can you please turn it down?" The ultimate pet peeve of all travelers is being told to turn their music down, especially when they're listening to it through headphones. Simply respond, "Hey, you turn it down," and turn your head away. Allow a few moments of confusion to sink into their minds, and then turn your volume up. Aside from possibly angering the passenger to the point of changing seats, you've established the control in this sadistic bus-buddy relationship.