Usually having a 12 year old sister is a terrible thing, but it's even more horrifying to be forced to take that same 12 year old sister to a Justin Bieber concert.
Through a weird turn of events my sister and I ended up backstage with the man(if you can call him that) himself, Justin Bieber. His agent said that we could have a brief and "conservative" conversation with him for 20 minutes.
Needless to say but this interview was anything but conservative. About 10 minutes into waiting, we saw the "Bieb" fixing his refined bowl cut, or the "swoop," with an arsenal of hair products and other assorted canisters that looked like they could put down a full-grown bear. Soon after, he headed over and our interview began.
*Attention Reader* Justin Bieber spoke through a auto-tune voice box during the interview
Jesse Strauch: Thank you for sitting down with us my sister really appreciates it.
Justin Bieber: (still playing with his swoop) No, thank you I love to talk to my fans
Jesse Strauch: Well while we were waiting we came up with some questions.
JB: Cool..
(my sister interrupts Justin and proceeds to embarrass the two of us in splendid fashion)
Chloe Strauch: My Mom is a huge fan and wanted to know if you would sign her bra?
(But before we could have a chance to fully feel the embarrassment and implications of Chloe's question, Justin responded with an answer that literally left us speechless).
JB: Oh sorry I only sign panties... from Kids-R-Us.
JS: Wow, anyways how does your mom feel about all this success you've had at such a young age?
(pointing to the women standing behind him)
JB: That's not my Mom...that's just a stage mom. I got 10 of them.
JS: Ok, so who is your real mom then?
JB: I'm really a test tube baby. The people at Columbia Records took the DNA from Usher and a Smurf.
CS: That's weird!
JB: And technically, Usher is somehow my mom... I don't even know how that works.
JS: Alright so I'm going to say that means you're an only child...
JB: That's true, but my tube was apparently next to Miley Cyrus and Lindsay Lohan. Funny enough, Paris Hilton was the first attempt at making a test tube celebrity, and look at how she turned out.
JS: I'm just going to change subjects at this point. So how was working with Ludacris? That must have been a big moment in your career.
JB: Oh, it was a lot of fun but I was upset when I heard that he got shot in Compton.
JS: No...that happened to Tupac about 10 years before you were born.
JS: So, what's the next stop on your tour?
JB: I'm going down, down, doooooooooown.
JS: Cool, Australia- Hey wait! That's just a line from one of your songs...
CS: What advice do you have for any one who wants to go into the industry like you?
JB: Well, I'ma tell you one time, I'ma tell you one time, I'ma tell you one time.
This continued for the next 15 minutes until his agent walked up behind him and gave him a quick slap to the head.
With that Justin Bieber sprang back to life and ripped off his shirt (this was the highlight of my sister's night) and started running around the room. I was strangely scared but mostly amused because his voice was so high-pitched that he sounded like a smurf who had just inhaled too much helium.
Guards came with a taser to subdue the animal-like version of Beiber, who started ripping apart anything within reach. It was similar to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, except it was Justin Bieber mixed with a pissed off gorilla. To keep us quiet, Bieber's agent gave my sister and I a check for $1 million but the check bounced. Therefore, I write this story to you now in the waiting room of the doctor's office where my sister and I now get therapy.
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